User: I wish to make a complaint!
Ballmer(B., Steve, Microsoft CEO ): (hurriedly) Sorry, we’re about to ship Vista.
User: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this web browser, what came bundled not five years ago from this very operating system.
Ballmer: Oh yes, IE, ah, version 6. What’s, ah… W-what’s wrong with it?
User: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.
Ballmer: No, no, It’s ah… it’s undergoing a security upgrade.
User: Look, matey, I know a dead browser when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Ballmer: No no, i-it’s not dead, it’s… getting its user interface upgraded!
User: User interface?
Ballmer: Y-yeah, the UI. Upgradin’. Remarkable browser, IE, isn’t it, eh? Beautiful layouts!
User: The layout-complete build don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead!
Ballmer: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s bein’ upgraded!
User: All right then, if he’s bein’ upgraded, I’ll run ‘im!
Looky looky looky! Happily rendering the Goatse Guy! Hey, IE, I’ve got lots of lovely RAM for you if you’re running, Mr. Internet Explorer!)
Ballmer: There, the page refreshed!
User: No, he didn’t, that was you clicking reload!
Ballmer: I never!!
User: Yes, you did!
Ballmer: I never, never….
(pounding Ctrl-Alt-Del on the keyboard again)
User: HELLO, WORLD! HELLO TASK MANAGER! PLEASE WAKE UP!
Now that’s what I call a dead browser.
Ballmer: No, no…. No, it’s just running a signed ActiveX Control in the background.
User: A ACTIVEX CONTROL!?!?
Ballmer: Yeah! You invoked an ActiveX control, just as it was wakin’ up! Believe me, IE runs those easily, major!
User: Look my lad, I’ve had just about enough of this. That browser is definitely deceased, and when I booted its PC up after buyin’ it not half an hour ago, you assured me that the PC’s total lack of computational power was due to it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged virus scan.
Ballmer: Well, he’s… it’s, ah… probably needin’ activation and authorization with Windows Genuine Advantage.
User: WINDOWS Genuine ADVANTAGE?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did the OS crash flat on its back the moment I plugged it into the router?
Ballmer: The Norwegian Bluescreen prefers kippin’ on its back! Remarkable UI, though, isn’t it, guv, eh? Lovely layout-complete screenshots!
User: (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that browser cache when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that the PC had anything to run on its hard drive in the first place was that it had been bundled in there along with the spyware and the DRM.
Ballmer: Well, of course it has DRM there! If I hadn’t bundled that browser and nailed everything down with DRM, all the content would have nuzzled up to those wires at the back, bent ’em apart with its little bits, and VOOM!
User: “VOOM?” Look matey, this browser wouldn’t “voom” if you put four thousand kilobytes of W3C standards through it! It’s bleedin’ demised!
Ballmer: It’s not! I-It’s just authenticating!
User: It’s not authenticatin,’ it’s passed on! This browser is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late software release! It’s a stiff! Bereft of RAM, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the system with DRM and your monopoly it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its spawned processes are of interest only to historians! It’s hopped the twig! It’s shuffled off this mortal coil! It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This…. is an INACTIVE X!
Ballmer: Well, I’d better upgrade it, then.
User: I wish to make a complaint!